I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Never joke about your clitoris.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize