i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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