apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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