i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
