I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
i out mim tonsoeep
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
