Swine flu. Run for my life!
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
