After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
is it fun? or sober?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
