so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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