I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
