no, he came in my armpit
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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