Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Randomize
