woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
