yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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