i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
