I only kidnapped one of them. chill
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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