Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
