Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
