my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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