He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
