I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
