Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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