My first STD was from a foam party
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
