I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
