They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Randomize
