Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
