She's JV to your varsity
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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