I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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