I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
She needs sedatives and a leash
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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