dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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