Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
