Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
