OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
