I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
