I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
We just shotgunned beers for America
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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