Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
