He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
