I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize