i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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