i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
