just come out here and I will go home with you...
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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