Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
