I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
