i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
