Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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