you would pick up someone in the library
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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