Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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