you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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