you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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