even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
