woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
