It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
