shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
