right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
