I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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