Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
