I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize