Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
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